Overloaded With Attributes Chapter 23

The Difference Between "Fiction-Boyish" and "Non-Fiction-Boyish 

I was in a full-blown panic, the "expendable civilian who dies in the first two minutes of a horror movie" kind, being chased by a beautiful girl who looked like a grown-up Enma Ai (Hell Girl). The one who brought me back to my senses was Shouko-san, who had already arrived at the school to attend the ceremony as my guardian. ...Shouko-san... so warm... and she smells nice.

No, wait, now that I've calmed down... why was I so freaked out? Just because a beautiful girl was walking behind me? ...Well, that unearthly vibe she was giving off was terrifying. It can't be helped. A deadpan, black-haired bishoujo is real-life J-horror.

Okay, pulling myself together. I'm heading for "Labyrinth Department, 1-A." Yep. Everywhere I look in the hallways... girls. Girls. Girls. What is this place? The air... smells sweet. Just breathing makes me feel like energy is welling up from the depths of my body... (Not that I'd actually take a deep breath, okay?)

And man, the girls in this world... Unlike the trashy girls back in my old Japan who'd... ahem... 'round the bases' in middle school, these girls are all pure maidens. Oh boy... my... 'little guy' is... getting all tingly! No, it's... getting 'fired up'!... Okay, that's just creepy. And... 'perverted.' I should stop thinking perverted thoughts.

Anyway, I followed the flow of people and arrived at my classroom. Desks in neat rows. Chalk on the blackboard. The noisy chatter of classmates.

It's been ten years... This nostalgic school atmosphere... I can't help it if I'm getting a little misty-eyed, I'm an old man on the inside, okay? ...I also think I see that familiar black-haired girl in my peripheral vision, but... I'm just gonna ignore her for now.

"Eh? Is that... a boy?! ...This is the Labyrinth Department, right?!"

"He probably just wandered into the wrong room. ...Hey, all of you, just look. Don't get any closer or talk to him unless you want to get reported!"

"Ahhh... I'm breathing... the same air... in the same room... as a boy... I... I think I'm pregnant..."

The moment I walked in, the friendly atmosphere... turned... a little... prickly. Call me self-conscious, but I can feel them whispering about me. My body just tensed up on reflex. Shouko-san did say I'm apparently the first male student in the Labyrinth Department's history. ...Wait, no, there are other guys in here wearing the boy's uniform... ...Ah, no. One look and you can tell. They're all just girls dressed as boys (dansou).

And... not very high-quality, either. They're like... the "girl disguised at an all-boys' school" from a shoujo manga. No matter how you look at them, they're 100% girls. They're the "scam AV" that just labels a girl with short hair as 'boyish'!!

...And then... I saw one girl who was... insanely good-looking. Is... is she... no. She's a girl. This... this is the "real deal" we're all looking for. The 'non-fiction boyish.' The "androgynous girl" you see online... the one who's so convincing you're shocked when you see her in her underwear. Even in men's clothes, she can't suppress it... that leaking sex appeal. Those hidden huge breasts... and that motherly... ass. She's just being natural... but every move she makes... draws the male gaze.

"Ah-ha! You're that type! The one whose first-person pronoun is 'ore,' but who loses to her 'inner girl' in two seconds flat! The 'whole-body-is-an-erogenous-zone, 3000x-sensitivity, full-throttle-pervert' type of boyish girl!"

"I was wondering why you suddenly got so close, and then... could you please stop... yelling incomprehensible insults at me?!"

"Hah?! Whoops, your 'boyish' quality is so high my inner monologue just... came out... Anyway, I just need to confirm something. Mind taking your clothes off?"

"I have no idea what you want to 'confirm,' but I am absolutely not taking my clothes off! Do you know what happens if I strip in front of a boy... in a classroom?! I'd be arrested! And... you're a boy, right? We've never met, right? So why are you getting in my face with, like, 'zero-personal-space' like we're family?!"

"Tch. So you're a 'boku-kko' (I (soft)) not an 'ore-kko' (I (hard))... Anyway, the reason I'm all up in your business is..." I paused, then leaned in close to the... androgynous beautiful girl's... ear. "...Because your entire existence is a 'just-hit' for my... preferences."

"Could you please stop whispering in my ear with that unnecessarily good voice?!" Her face bright red, she... [boku-kko]... jumped back so fast it made a 'THWAP' sound.

"Hey, calm down and look around. It's just my first day, and I'm pretty sure... every girl in this class... is directing 'murderous intent' at me. I can feel it."

"Are you sure that's because of me? I mean, you're... exactly as you look. You're an ikemen (a handsome guy). Maybe you just... 'made enemies' without realizing it. I dunno."

"'Ikemen' is not a compliment for a girl, you know. And... why'd you just 'I dunno' me at the end?"

"I think 'ikemen' is always a compliment, even for a girl. I mean... you're a different 'type' than that girl I saw this morning... ...you know, the one staring at us without blinking from across the room... ...but you're definitely my type."

"...How can you say something so cheesy... right to my face? What are you? Some unrealistic prince from a dating sim? And... are you sure you're in the right class? This is the Labyrinth Department. Also... are you... not... 'scared of girls'?"

"This is the right class. I didn't take an exam, but I'm enrolled in the Labyrinth Department! ...Though, graduating is... 'iffy,' apparently. And 'scared of girls'? ...Well... I mean... that girl over there is terrifying (in a 'psycho' way), but! Wait... is this one of those 'Oh no, I'm so scared of manjuu (sweets)!' gags? Are you... here... talking about...'sweets' in a sexual way...? You... just like your looks... you're a total pervert, aren't you?! I bet your underwear is black! Lace! The kind you can see your nipples through!"

"Stop getting so excited! What is 'sweets in a sexual sense'?! I didn't even say anything! And thanks to your reckless comments... ...we have victims all over the classroom! Some girls are crouched down, bright red! One of them has a nosebleed! I'll say it again: this is a school! Have some self-control! And my underwear is normal! It's not lewd at all!"

"...But... it's black, right?"

"...No comment."

"IT IS BLACK! Schrödinger's Black Panties! Show me! Show me the proof!"

"I said I'm not showing you! And... you're a boy! You cannot just... jump into dirty 'girl-talk' like this! If you keep this up... someone's going to 'misunderstand'... and 'attack' you... and you'll do something you can't take back!"

"...If that happens... you'll protect me, right?"

"Gah! That's... That's what I'm talking about...! Are you... trying to kill me... in, like... two or three different ways?!"

Translator Notes : The Original Gag: "Manjuu Kowai" (まんじゅうこわい). This is the name of a very famous story from rakugo (traditional Japanese comedic storytelling).

When someone says "Oh no, I'm so scared of [X]," it's a joke that means "I secretly really want [X]."

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