Fellow Losers Chapter 6

 

A Small Goal

Two days had passed since then.

Although various things had happened recently, the most pressing matter right in front of my eyes was a "case" that forced me to temporarily forget all of that.

It was nothing major, just an incredibly ordinary wall that every high school student encounters──midterm exams.

"Sigh..."

"That's a heavy sigh. Thinking about her again?"

"No, things are quiet on Karen's end. At least for now..."

During lunch break, Mamiya and I were chatting on a bench in the courtyard. This had become our daily routine lately.

"Let's try spending our lunch breaks together"──it seemed she had planned to suggest this on Friday, the day I feigned illness and took the day off.

For someone like me, who felt awkward in the classroom because of what happened with Karen, and Mamiya, who was already somewhat isolated in class to begin with──for people like us, this time unexpectedly became a moment of inner peace.

Well, it wasn't entirely impossible for Karen to suddenly ambush us here... but that hadn't happened yet, and the days were passing rather peacefully.

"It's quite surprising, though. Seeing how she was, I thought she'd come charging at you in school without any regard for the time or place to cause trouble."

"Karen is pretty impulsive... or rather, she's the type to act on her emotions."

"What do you mean?"

"From the looks of it, Karen seems to be mad at me right now."

Of course, I hadn't confirmed this with her directly, but judging from the situation, that was the only conclusion I could draw.

The day before yesterday, on Saturday, after we bumped into her outside the arcade, Karen really did go to my house, just as Mamiya had predicted.

Because I had told my family I was staying over at a friend's house, she couldn't get in... but the problem seemed to stem from the fact that the phrase "staying over at a friend's house" had reached Karen's ears.

Based on the circumstances, Karen probably assumed I was staying at Mamiya's house. She sent a barrage of angry messages (I had unblocked her because I was worried she might resort to drastic measures), which basically boiled down to... "If Akkun doesn't apologize, I will never forgive him."

In other words, she was waiting for me to apologize.

"If only she could keep waiting for the rest of her life."

I couldn't help but smile wryly at such a merciless remark.

Truthfully, I did entertain that thought, but realistically, it would be difficult to achieve.

Things like this used to happen a lot in the past. Like a small misunderstanding, or accidentally making her mad.

I used to rack my brains trying to pacify her and earn her forgiveness, but there was almost never a time where my proactive efforts actually improved her mood.

Ultimately, waiting for the storm to pass was always the best solution. Conversely, it would probably be quite difficult for me to actively try and prolong this current state of affairs.

In the end, all I could do was avoid provoking her and pray silently.

"Still, if someone sees Mamiya and me hanging out together here, it's definitely a bit dangerous, right...?"

"Well, she'd definitely come pick a fight."

Despite saying that, Mamiya herself was smiling cheerfully.

"But isn't it putting the cart before the horse if we have to hold back just for that woman's sake?"

She was so assertive.

"Besides, it's not like we're doing anything wrong. We're just having lunch together and preparing for the exams... After all, you two have already broken up."

Mamiya puffed out her chest confidently, looking as if to say, "Justice is on my side."

She was right; even if someone misunderstood, accusations of cheating wouldn't hold water. To begin with, the other party was the one who cheated first, and we were already broken up now.

It's just that Mamiya hadn't broken off her engagement with Shibaki yet. Although she expressed her willingness to endure the situation worsening──.

"Never mind me, are things okay between you and Shibaki?"

"We've been in a continuous cold war. Even before that incident happened. Forget about him showing concern for me, he might actually feel relieved that he doesn't have to interact with me anymore."

Mamiya stated this lightly, as if it were nothing.

"He's just a child. He's been like this since we were little; once he throws a tantrum, he will absolutely never be the first to yield. Regarding this incident, he only apologized at the very beginning, and his phrasing wouldn't even count as an apology by normal social standards, you know? Of course, let alone meeting face-to-face, there hasn't even been a phone call. Right now, he's probably waiting for the storm to naturally blow over. Taking advantage of the fact that I haven't told our parents, right?"

Just a little poke and she starts complaining non-stop!? I can tell she's accumulated quite a lot of dissatisfaction normally──or rather, over a long period of time...

I already knew she had lost all affection for Shibaki from the engagement-breaking plan she explained to her older brother, Takayuki, so it wasn't surprising... but she really did cry out of heartbreak when she first witnessed it.

So they must have had their own bond between them...

"By the way, Watanuki-kun. Speaking of which, are you free this Saturday?"

"Ah, yeah."

"Then do you want to study for the exams together?"

"Eh?"

"Since the exams are coming up, the Advanced class has the whole day off on Saturday too. I thought it would be a perfect way to spend time together. Besides, don't dating couples use 'studying for exams together' as an excuse to get intimate?"

Her reference material must be romance manga again.

Naturally, for our fake romance, even if we were in a locked room just the two of us, it was hard to imagine the atmosphere developing in that direction.

"But the Advanced class and the regular class are at different paces with the curriculum, so it might not be very efficient."

"Efficiency doesn't matter. Since it's a trope, I just want to try it out."

Mamiya was the type to care a lot about formalities—no, rather, it was more like she couldn't calm down until she tried something she knew about.

"Besides, don't they say that if you study with someone else, you can act as supervisors for each other and concentrate better? I've never studied with anyone else before, so from an efficiency standpoint, I think it's worth a try."

"Conversely, there's also the possibility of being too mindful of the other person and losing focus."

"The way you say that, it sounds like you speak from personal experience?"

"Well, that's..."

Pointed out sharply by Mamiya, I couldn't help but avert my eyes.

However, that reaction alone was basically a confession.

When I brought my eyes back, I was met with her exasperated, dead-fish glare.

"It's about your ex-girlfriend, isn't it."

"......Yes."

Or rather, my entire life, if you dug deep enough, was basically buried in matters related to Karen...

"Exam prep and stuff like that, we basically always did it together... It's just that Karen didn't really like studying, so rather than teaching her, it took more effort just to get her motivated..."

This tied back to what I mentioned earlier about her acting on her emotions.

Even though teaching someone is a learning experience for the teacher as well, that only holds true if the conditions for teaching are met. Getting someone motivated to study is quite difficult. Because even if you're ordered to study, motivation doesn't just easily spring up.

"Were you always the one initiating it? Since middle school?"

"Yeah. The midterms and finals in middle school, and the high school entrance exams... Also summer homework and things like that, I was always the one who brought it up."

"I see..."

Mamiya nodded with a sigh. Although she looked like she had understood something—

"As expected, it seems Watanuki-kun played a part in why she turned out that way."

"Eh? Turned out that way means..."

"I mean turning into the kind of personality that feels absolutely zero guilt even when cheating."

"Eeeh!?"

Come to think of it, I feel like I've been told something similar before...

Still, when Karen said what happened between her and Shibaki didn't count as cheating, I was quite shocked; I could hardly believe we had received the same compulsory education.

...However, Mamiya seemed to have seen something I had failed to notice.

She puffed out her cheeks angrily, closed her eyes for a moment as if choosing her words, and then──.

"You spoil her way too much."

She said it with a tone that carried the force of someone who had been holding it in for a long time.

"Spoil...?"

"Anyone, if they are always taken for granted and pampered, will start thinking that being treated that way is a given, and they won't even feel grateful anymore. Because you took perfectly good care of everything for Suzaki-san, she felt that your presence was a given, and conversely, she probably even thought it was fine if she did nothing at all. It's like if you're woken up by an alarm clock every day, you won't be able to get up without it."

I-I see. Although I vaguely understand what you're trying to say...

"I've felt this way for a while now. Watanuki-kun, your sense of personal boundaries is seriously broken sometimes."

"You actually thought that all this time!?"

To think she had been interacting with me while harboring such thoughts...

"For example... Hmm. Like how you hold my hand without an ounce of embarrassment, or rather, how close you feel... There are definitely times where your sense of distance is just strange. I've even doubted several times, 'Does this guy really understand that I'm a girl?'"

"Eh..."

"Thanks to you, my heart has pounded several times——ahem. Although I hate to admit it, you really have shaken me up."

Even though I was completely unaware, it seemed I had been causing trouble for Mamiya as well.

No, she was saying that this unconsciousness was the problem.

"If I had to give a clear example that made me think 'This guy...', hmm... It would probably be when you grabbed my hair without any hesitation at the ramen shop."

"Didn't you tell me to do that, Mamiya!?"

"Even so, you should have held back a little, or shown some confusion, and given a more inexperienced, flustered reaction!"

To think she had set such a trap...!

True, whether it was touching her hair, or holding it back so it wouldn't get in the way of eating ramen, if you ask if I felt any resistance... I really didn't.

"Honestly, I didn't realize it myself, but if you say so, then that's probably how it is..."

"I think this was all for Suzaki-san's sake too—"

"No, if we're talking about being cluelessly insensitive to a girl's circumstances, the cause might not have anything to do with Karen."

"Eh? Is that so?"

Mamiya's eyes widened.

I felt the same way. But, since when had I been like this... Digging through my memories, there was another person's shadow before Karen.

"It's probably the influence of my older sister."

"You have an older sister?"

"Yeah. Coincidentally, just like Takayuki, she's a sophomore in college."

"Heh... We're pretty synced up then."

"Does this really count as being synced up...?"

Mamiya had an older brother, and I had an older sister. If you categorized it as "having an older, opposite-sex sibling of the same age," then it certainly was a sync.

"My older sister, how should I put it, is more like an older brother... She's a fairly bold and domineering person. So, maybe because of that, she demanded that I show a weaker side."

"Weaker?"

"It might be considered an outdated value system now, but isn't there a saying, 'Take a step back and let the husband lead'? My sister is the type to say with a totally straight face, 'A younger brother should take a step back and let his older sister lead.' Taking care of me in daily life was a given, but talking back was absolutely forbidden, and she'd force me to eat the vegetables she didn't like. When she brought her female friends over, I was treated like a toy for everyone to play with, and forced to refer to myself as 'Ore' just because they thought it was cute..."

"............To put it politely, isn't she a tyrant?"

"You hit the nail on the head."

Just remembering it made me break into a cold sweat. In terms of forming my childhood personality, her influence was probably greater than both my parents and Karen.

"But... she was really cool. Partly because she practiced at a martial arts dojo and was ridiculously strong like a manga character, but her back always looked so large and dependable. My sister absolutely never bullied the weak. I don't deny she was a tyrant... but she would always protect me and stay by my side no matter what happened. When I wanted to start playing tennis and tell our parents, she helped me plead my case too... Ah, sorry. Did I get a bit off-topic?"

Feeling like I had shared too many negative things, I enthusiastically started to supplement my story. This was perhaps also a blessing of my sister's reign of terror.

"If the things that felt totally natural to me—things I did for my sister and Karen without a second thought—have caused you trouble, Mamiya, I'm truly sorry. To think I wasn't even aware of something like that... No wonder I couldn't read Karen's true feelings."

My sense of boundaries was bugged.

Though it sounded like a joke, it was probably the perfect way to describe my condition.

Without realizing it, I had negatively influenced Karen, completely oblivious. Surely, I was the only one feeling comfortable in that dynamic. It was precisely because I was that kind of person that I mistakenly believed Karen's feelings for me were the same as my feelings for her.

I had to fix this. If I didn't, I would definitely repeat the same mistakes... So.

"Please, Mamiya. When we're together, if there's even the slightest thing that makes you uncomfortable, please don't hesitate to tell me. It might be a bother to you at first, but... I promise I will correct it!"

Enduring the embarrassment, I bowed my head deeply to Mamiya.

I hadn't yet reached a point where I could immediately figure out exactly where I had gone wrong. Continuing to cause her trouble in this state was terribly brazen of me, and I knew it.

But deciding to leave Mamiya because of that wouldn't be right either.

At the very least, Mamiya didn't want that. Although I couldn't boastfully claim to completely understand... I selfishly hoped, and believed, that this was the case.

Because I wanted to be with her.

"............Are you serious?"

Faced with my request, Mamiya... for some reason, shrugged her shoulders as if she were exasperated.

Indeed, this request must have been incredibly bothersome for her...

"Telling me to not hold back if you make me uncomfortable──If I did that, wouldn't I be unable to say anything at all?"

"Eh? N-No, if you're holding back to avoid hurting me or out of consideration for me, you don't need to worry about that..."

"I stopped being considerate like that ages ago."

She said it naturally, looking completely bored.

"I've... discovered over these past few days that I'm surprisingly impatient. I can't hold back when something bothers me. I immediately speak up about things I hate. I thought I could endure it, but it was probably written all over my face. This is my true nature, which is why I was deemed uncute as a fiancée... I've reflected on it a bit."

Despite her self-deprecating words, there was absolutely no sign of remorse on her face. It felt more like she was simply accepting the facts as facts.

Still, I didn't think she was impatient at all... Quite the opposite, she had never pointed out any of the behaviors I was worried about. Like the ramen shop incident we just talked about.

"I don't have any uncomfortable feelings, you know."

"Eh?"

"I was definitely thrown off balance. But I didn't hate it. So, pointing it out as something I hate when I don't actually hate it is difficult. That would be lying."

"N-No, but──"

"Although I said your sense of boundaries was bugged, I think being able to do that unconsciously, without any malice or ulterior motives, is a virtue in itself. Being gentle to girls isn't necessarily gentlemanly. However, for certain people, it can have a negative impact. Some people take being pampered for granted and constantly escalate their demands; others won't believe it's unconscious and will feel disgusted by an ulterior motive that doesn't even exist... Well, regarding the latter, I think it's highly likely you'd notice and correct your behavior."

The problem was the former──Karen fell into that category, didn't she.

Because I unconsciously spoiled her... No, maybe it wasn't just that.

I wanted to attract Karen's attention. I wanted her to need me more. It was precisely that ulterior motive that further fueled those unconscious actions.

"So, I'll be the one to correct you. I'll mold you into my preferred type."

Swiftly, Mamiya poked her index finger right in front of my nose, a smile on her face──no, her cheek was twitching.

"Aren't you forcing yourself a bit? Saying you'll mold me to your preferences... that doesn't really sound like the phrasing you would choose mamiya-san."

"Guh... You're forbidden from pointing it out so bluntly."

"Uh, did i bug out?"

"This is an EQ issue. When a girl is desperately trying to hype herself up and act a bit exaggerated, isn't deliberately peeling back that layer tantamount to the cruel act of bullying the weak?"

"I-I didn't mean it like that... No, it's my fault, I'm sorry."

I messed up immediately. But, I certainly couldn't deny that I had a tiny desire to tease her.

As I reflected on this and deeply bowed my head, a sigh mixed with exasperation and a hint of a smile drifted over the crown of my head.

◇

Then the promised Saturday arrived, and we came to the library.

Naturally, our primary goal was to study. It was just that going to each other's houses was still a bit much. But going all the way to school on a day off felt kind of boring.

So we chose the library as a change of pace... It was a reason derived more from a process of elimination. Anyway, there was a study area here, and sitting side-by-side, pulling our chairs close together, and whispering quietly to each other was allowed.

"As expected, the curriculum range is different from the Advanced class."

"Seems like it. What should I do? I'm tempted to snort and mock you, saying, 'Eh, you've only gotten this far~?'"

"Wouldn't that be fine?"

"If I actually said it, I'd be mercilessly accused of being a hypocrite again. So I absolutely won't say it."

Even though she was the one who brought it up, I had been unilaterally cast as the aggressor.

Well, this side of Mamiya was also very much like her, and quite amusing.

"Even so, you're really amazing. You don't look like you're struggling at all."

"Because I prep and review regularly. Honestly, I feel like I don't need to push myself too hard for this exam's scope."

Entering high school, the class level felt somewhat higher than in middle school.

But this was the very first midterm exam right after enrollment. I could still keep up, and the study habits I developed after quitting the tennis club in middle school were still paying off.

I didn't think it was anything to brag about──but Mamiya seemed unusually impressed.

"Hey, Watanuki-kun. You'd have more than enough ability to get into the Advanced class, wouldn't you?"

"Eh, really?"

"Even though it's called the Advanced class, the academic gap isn't that exaggerated. The tuition is the same... You entered the regular class because you were influenced by that girl, weren't you?"

"Yeah... That's right."

True, looking at the test scores, I thought i could have entered the Advanced class too.

But the curriculum for the Special class and Regular class were different. Having Karen test into the Special class wasn't realistic, and I figured that if we were together, we could help each other out with our studies.

"...I just had a sudden thought, but would you consider transferring to the Advanced class?"

"Eh?"

"I don't know the school regulations perfectly, but there should be a system for this. I think you can take a transfer exam when moving up to the second year."

I see... You sure know a lot about it. Just what I'd expect from Mamiya.

"The second year is still a long way off... But, if I could be in the same class as you, I might... be a little happy too, so..."

"...!"

She looked away at the crucial moment, but the tips of her ears peeking through her swaying hair were already turning red.

If I pointed it out, she'd definitely poke me. But this wasn't her desperately trying to hype herself up, nor was it some feigned malice... Most likely, she genuinely meant it.

"...Then, maybe I'll try aiming for that."

"Really!?"

"Originally, my goal was to get into college like my sister, but that's still a bit far off, and──"

"And?"

"...N-No, well... I just thought that if I could spend my high school life in the same class as you, Mamiya, it would be pretty fun."

I recalled the sight of Mamiya I had glimpsed in the hallway. Spending her lunch breaks alone. It didn't seem so bad to be by her side then.

Having said that, I knew I couldn't say it so bluntly.

So to be safe, I just repeated what she had said──

"...Yellow card."

"Eh? Why!?"

Penalized with a foul for some unknown reason, she turned her face even further away. It seemed this demon referee was completely rejecting any protests or questions.

"Anyway, since that's settled, I'll be tutoring you regularly from now on."

"Ah, thank you. You're so reliable. ...But come to think of it, there are two Advanced classes, right? Which class we end up in will..."

"You can't choose that yourself, of course, so you need to accumulate good deeds daily."

"It comes down to luck..."

Well, I didn't think the quality of our personal relationship would affect our class placement anyway.

"Even in the worst-case scenario where we're placed in different classes, it's fine. As long as we're studying in the same environment, maybe we can even go to the same college."

"College..."

"Do you think I'm getting ahead of myself?"

"...I do think that a little bit."

Having my own earlier words thrown right back at me, I nodded while feeling a bit embarrassed.

Even though we pledged to maintain this relationship until one of us rejected the other, I also knew that realistically, we couldn't be together forever.

We didn't even know what would happen a year from now, a month from now, or heck, even next week.

As for entering college—that was almost three years away, making it even more uncertain.

"There's no point in imagining a terrible future right from the start, is there? If we're going to imagine something, it's naturally more fun to envision the happiest future possible."

"...Do you think being with me is the happiest future, Mamiya?"

"Do you want another yellow card?"

"N-No, I'm sorry if you were just joking! But... if you meant it, I'd honestly be really happy."

Feeling both anxious and a bit devastated, I couldn't help but lower my head.

I didn't want to repeat my past mistakes. But to tell me to honestly believe it, I felt it was an overestimation of myself...

"............Idiot."

"Eh?"

Looking at me like that, Mamiya glared at me as if she were sulking.

Her cheeks were slightly puffed out... Though i didn't say it, it felt a bit childish.

"Right now, I can't envision a happier future than being with you, Watanuki-kun."

Though she was puffing her cheeks, she looked straight into my eyes as she said it.

...Even if she looked away just a second later.

"Alright, let's get back to studying! That's our goal for today!"

"Ouch!?"

Mamiya ended our chat much faster than usual, and for some reason, slapped my back quite forcefully.

Though I was forcibly dragged back to the exam prep at hand, for some reason, Mamiya's words from just now clung stubbornly to my mind, refusing to fade. For quite a while, I couldn't concentrate at all, merely staring blankly at my notebook.

◇

With some breaks in between, our self-study continued until evening.

Whether it was because of the library environment, or because Mamiya was right beside me—we kept our chatting in moderation, and thanks to being able to study in silence, I felt it was highly efficient.

"Nnnngh! My shoulders are so stiff!"

"Good work. Here, take this. It's cold, though."

Right as we walked out of the library, Mamiya stretched grandly.

I handed a canned coffee I had just bought to her.

Perhaps unconsciously, Mamiya fidgeted a bit shyly, showing a surprised expression.

"Eh, ah, thank you... Wait, when did you buy this?"

"Just now, at the vending machine by the exit."

Timing-wise, it was while Mamiya had gone to the restroom, but there was no need to specifically mention that.

Mamiya reached for the canned coffee... However, wearing a somewhat conflicted expression, she stopped her hand before taking it.

"Umm..."

"Uhh... Did I do something I shouldn't have again? Um, look, this is just to thank you for tutoring me, I didn't mean anything weird by it...!"

"...No, I was just thinking that I should have bought something too."

Mamiya took the canned coffee with a hint of chagrin, holding it tightly.

"To be honest, I didn't expect studying with someone else to be so efficient. Even though we were just sitting side-by-side studying on our own. Because you were working so hard, I felt I had to do my best too... When I'm with you, I always feel like a newborn baby."

"A baby?"

"It's a metaphor for not knowing anything."

"I guess I can understand that, but even so, isn't it a pretty weird way to put it?"

"Is it?"

Seeing Mamiya smile innocently, flashing her teeth, I felt a faint warmth deep within my chest.

Studying with someone else—this was something I had always done with Karen. But today was completely different from that "always".

The occasional idle chatter only amounted to a fleeting moment in the grand scheme of things. Most of the time, we were silent, merely sitting side-by-side... But, just as Mamiya had said, I constantly felt her presence, and drew encouragement from it.

It was an unprecedented feeling, as if our hearts could communicate without words, making me feel closer to her than when we were actually talking.

—Click.

Suddenly, Mamiya opened the canned coffee.

Then, she stared intently at the opening of the can for a moment──.

"Here, have a sip."

"Eh?"

"It feels too much like I'm taking advantage if I drink it all myself."

"No, but"

"Come on, just take it."

With a slight hint of stubbornness, Mamiya pushed the canned coffee toward me.

It seemed she had no intention of backing down... She probably didn't even realize it herself.

"...Thanks."

I accepted the canned coffee, giving in. When I bought it, I completely didn't expect things to turn out this way.

I thanked her just in case, and brought my lips to it──the bitterness of black coffee spread across my tongue.

I carefully took only a single drop's worth, preparing to hand it back to her──and that's when I realized. Maybe I should have been the one to drink this can and bought a new one for Mamiya instead.

But by the time I realized this, Mamiya had already taken the canned coffee back and naturally started drinking from it.

"Drinking canned coffee occasionally is nice too... Hmm, what's wrong?"

Perhaps noticing my gaze, Mamiya tilted her head.

Her expression was so completely normal that I shook my head, feeling embarrassed by my own pounding heart.

A baby who didn't know anything; I was probably exactly the same... I thought to myself.

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