Overloaded With Attributes Chapter 06

 I Will! Even if it Costs Me My Life! I'll Show You I Can Resist Such a World!!

I was now in a heated discussion with Shouko-oneesan, who is (apparently) a national civil servant.

"The needle-in-the-jewels thing is an absolute 'no' for me!"

After I kicked up a fuss (whined, really) and desperately pleaded my case, we decided to summon my attending physician, Dr. Saitou, to find a solution.

"Um... Shouko-oneesan told me this hospital has a semen collection facility...?"

"...'Onee-san'?"

At that word, Dr. Saitou shot Shouko-san a look that could kill. Eh? What's with that face? Is it possible... she wanted me to call her 'onee-chan' too?

"...Yes. As you say, this hospital does possess a semen collection facility. However, we have no male staff to handle the collection, so... ...it has almost never been used. It's all for the sake of the male patients! For their peace of mind and safety! So they can use it anytime! We even went to the trouble of installing the latest state-of-the-art equipment..."

Dr. Saitou was suddenly lost in a dramatic-looking funk. I almost wanted to say, "Lady, your back is looking all dark and angsty..."

I'd kind of guessed as much, but the guys in this world are really... off, aren't they? If you're gonna expose your lower half... ...it's obviously better to do it in front of a woman than a man!! (This is purely in the context of a medical procedure, of course.)

Seriously, what kind of terrible karma did you rack up in a past life to have a dude messing with your junk? Were you Jack the Ripper in your past life or something?

I will! Even if it costs me my life! I'll show them I can resist such a world!!

"So, about that... That... collection method... I'd like to request... a method that doesn't involve any equipment. You know... the... 'direct' one? 'To be blunt,' as it were... or maybe 'to gush,' so to speak? I mean! Of course, I wouldn't gush on anything without permission!"

"...Hah? Heh? Wha...? Gush? Gush what onto what... J-Just... just wait a second, okay? This is... a lot... and my mind and body, specifically the lower half, are about to overheat..."

Dr. Saitou closed her eyes and took several deep, shuddering breaths right in front of me. Then, as if a thought struck her, she shot Shouko-san another murderous glare.

"...Nakatsukasa-san, what exactly is the meaning of this?"

"Eh?! Me?!"

"Yes, you! Kashiwagi-kun wasn't like this before you got here! You took an innocent! An impressionable young boy! And what exactly did you say to him?!"

"No, no, no! This is a misunderstanding! A huge misunderstanding! I just explained the most bog-standard, normal procedure! Besides, he was never 'impressionable' to begin with! He's a little devil! If anything, he was the one bullying me!"

The way Dr. Saitou was looking at Shouko-san now... it was the way you look at a criminal.

"A sweet, angelic boy like him... would never bully anyone! And if he did... ...Well, that would be a little... ahem. I don't believe a word you're saying, but we will be discussing this in detail later. Kashiwagi-kun... you may not know this yet, but... semen... no, let's call it... 'p-e-n-i-s extract,' to be clear."

Dr. Saitou's emotional swings today are giving me whiplash. And... did this woman just say that with a straight face? It's pretty friggin' weird. What the hell is 'p-e-n-i-s extract'?! And it should be 'milk,' not 'extract'... wait. Crap. Did she see me trying to get Shouko-san to say all that pervy stuff earlier?!

"That 'extract'... is a precious... white, warm... little ball of dreams for making babies. But... in order to get it out... ...your p-e-n-i-s... has to get... big... and hard."

Dr. Saitou was suddenly speaking in the patronizing tone of an NHK Educational TV host talking to a toddler. No way they're talking about p-e-n-i-s-e-s on NHK... or maybe they are? I just haven't seen it?

"Of course, there is a method of collection without equipment. I hear it was the normal way until the end of the Edo period."

Apparently, something I don't know about happened in this world during the Bakumatsu.

"But a boy's heart... and his body... And, of course... his p-e-n-i-s... ...are all very... delicate."

As she said this, Dr. Saitou's expression became... sad, and gentle, and almost... mournful. You've been saying nothing but dirty, cringey stuff this whole time... so why do you have such a noble look on your face?!

"Dr. Saitou, thank you for your concern. Your... kindness... towards my p-e-n-i-s... has truly... touched me. But... I think... ...you never get anywhere if you don't at least try."

"Kashiwagi-kun...?"

"That's right! If I give up from the start... Then I... and... my p-e-n-i-s... ...we'll never be able to grow!"

"Kashiwagi-kun... No! Yuu-kun...!! You've... you've grown up so much... so splendidly...! You're right! You're absolutely right! To reject something without even trying... that's... that's wrong of me!"

"That's why... I... so that I... can properly ejaculate from my p-e-n-i-s! To bring hope back to humanity! I need your help, Doctor... and not just yours! I need your help too, Shouko-oneesan!"

I stood up, overcome with emotion. And on either side of me, the two women, their eyes welling with tears, pulled me into a warm, gentle embrace.

...No, seriously, what kind of comedy skit is this?

<<PREV | TOC | NEXT>>