Fellow Losers Chapter 3

 

Study Session

Prefectural Akiga High School.

In this school, which boasts a fairly decent academic level within the prefecture, there are six classes per grade.

Classes 1 and 2 are the advanced college preparatory classes. Classes 3 through 6 are regular classes, and students admitted on sports recommendations are assigned to the regular classes.

I am in Class 1-3, and Karen is in the same class. I think I heard that Shibaki is in Class 6.

And Mamiya, it seems, is in Class 2—the advanced class.

(An advanced class... it feels like an existence so far removed from us...)

Although the class numbers are adjacent, Class 1 and Class 2's classrooms are on different floors, so there's a physical distance as well. In terms of schedule, the advanced classes sometimes have an extra period a day, and they have classes every Saturday (the regular classes only have them once a month)... So even though it's been about a month since we started school, we've had almost no contact.

But since we are in the same school building, and it's not like it's forbidden... during lunch break, I decided to secretly go take a look at Class 2's classroom.

Although she wouldn't initiate a conversation with me, for some reason, I felt like Karen was looking at me today... It might just be me being overly self-conscious, but feeling uncomfortable staying in my own classroom was also part of the reason.

Another thing was, I was a little curious about what Mamiya was usually like in class... If we were going to continue going on dates, this might serve as a reference for choosing where to go.

(Ah, there she is.)

Pretending to pass by the back door of the classroom, I peeked in and immediately spotted Mamiya. Looking exactly like a manga protagonist, she was eating her bento at the very back seat by the window.

Even though it was an advanced class, the inside of the classroom itself didn't seem any different. Friends chatting and laughing while passing the time was a completely normal sight... However, Mamiya was all alone.

She didn't join anyone's conversation circle; she just silently ate her bento.

(By the way... she kinda looks like she's isolated...)

Although you can't literally see an aura, there was definitely an atmosphere that made her hard to approach, and the one giving off that vibe was Mamiya herself.

Even just eating a bento, her posture was so graceful she looked like a beauty straight out of a painting. It created an atmosphere that said she shouldn't be disturbed.

In reality, even though her classmates looked like they wanted to talk to her and seemed restless, no one actually made a move. Maybe someone had already tried to talk to her and been ruthlessly shut down... but strangely enough, that possibility actually felt more realistic than her responding with a bright smile.

(If I were in their shoes, I probably wouldn't initiate a conversation either... Although I know now that she's not a bad person, if we hadn't met the way we did...)

"Can I help you? Do you need something from our class?"

"Eh?"

As a result of staring too intently, I ended up getting spoken to!

"N-No, it's nothing."

I hurriedly denied it and quickly walked away.

Did Mamiya notice me? No, with her aura of having little interest in the outside world, she might not have noticed at all... Yeah, let's pray she didn't notice.

In terms of gathering clues for date spots, it was still a fruitful trip. Mamiya doesn't have many friends—since she doesn't interact with other classmates, she might find even cliché spots refreshing... Conversely, there's also the possibility that she might get angry because she has absolutely no interest.

It's just that, at the same time, I felt like I had seen something I shouldn't have... While feeling an inexplicable sense of awkwardness and guilt, I swore in my heart that I would never come to secretly peek again.

◇

"I've already decided on the place we're going today. Follow me."

"Ah, yeah."

Even though we just went to the ramen shop yesterday, the invitation came again so quickly.

After agreeing to meet up in front of the convenience store, we embarked on our third consecutive day of dates.

While it wasn't impossible to space out the days a bit, I by no means didn't want to go, and I had no reason to refuse.

"Um... could I ask where we're going today?"

"Today, let's see... Yeah. I was wondering if we should have a study session."

"A-A study session? Ah... speaking of which, midterms are coming up soon, aren't they."

"Well, that's one of the reasons. But, if I'm going to compete with yesterday's ramen, I can't hold anything back, right?"

"Hold anything back?"

The result of not holding back is inviting me to a study session... Somehow, that doesn't quite make sense.

Could it be that, to Mamiya, studying is the highest tier of entertainment?

As expected of the advanced class. Although they look no different from us in the regular classes, that's just a facade; maybe everyone in there is actually a studying cyborg like Mamiya...!?

"Hey, you're thinking about something rude again, aren't you."

"Uh, I guess you could say it was a sudden realization..."

"Let me be clear, I'm not some kind of bookworm. What's important is the place we're going—"

"Ah, Mamiya!"

I hurriedly grabbed Mamiya's hand as she puffed out her cheeks in apparent protest.

"Eh, wh-what...!?"

"The traffic light is flashing, let's wait for the next one."

Right on cue, the crosswalk signal we were about to cross started flashing.

Although we could make it if we ran, there were already cars waiting, so there was no need to rush.

Even though I acted based on that thought... for some reason, Mamiya narrowed her eyes and looked somewhat exasperated.

"Eh? Wh-What...?"

"...No, it's nothing."

Saying that, Mamiya turned her face away—or rather, faced forward again.

"......"

(Crap, she went silent...! Why...!?)

For some reason, we fell into silence, and even after the light turned green and we started walking, the conversation didn't resume—.

"...We're here."

In the end, the silence lasted for nearly ten minutes until we arrived at our destination.

How should I put it... it was a slightly mysterious period of time. Although it was somewhat awkward, I didn't feel the need to force a conversation, so I just sort of absentmindedly stared at Mamiya's back as she walked half a step ahead of me. Her ears were a little red, and her body temperature seemed to have risen slightly, which for some reason caught my attention—.

"...Hey, Watanuki-kun?"

"Yeah, what is it?"

"Not 'what is it'... we've already arrived, so could you let go of me now?"

"Let go............ Ah, I'm sorry!"

I hurriedly backed away from her. I hadn't realized at all.

Ever since that traffic light, I had unconsciously been holding her hand the entire time!

"Normally, you'd let go without needing to be told, right?"

"Ugh... I have no words to defend myself... I completely didn't realize...!"

"Not realizing it actually makes it worse, you know... But, I missed the timing to point it out, so I'm at fault too."

Surprisingly, Mamiya dropped the issue right there.

"So, what's your first impression?"

"Eh? Ah, ahh..."

I realized that this was the place she brought me to—switching gears to answer the question about the building in front of us.

Although I was distracted by Mamiya's scolding, my first impression was...

"Somehow, it feels very you, Mamiya."

"...?"

"Ah, I don't mean that in a weird way, it's just that, I can picture you coming to a shop like this... I mean it looks very stylish."

"That sounds like you're trying really hard to cover up what you just said."

"No! It's just that I don't really know much about this stuff, so I can't put it into nice words."

The building gave off a sort of antique vibe; it was what you'd call an old folk house cafe.

It looked so stylish and classy that I definitely wouldn't have the courage to walk in alone. I barely even drink coffee in the first place...

"Well, whatever. Standing here talking isn't great either, let's go inside."

"Y-Yeah."

I nodded, feeling a faint sense of nervousness.

Actually, I had never even been inside one of those famous chain coffee shops near the station. Cafes belonged to the adult world, and I always thought they were places I wouldn't have to deal with until much later... even though as a date spot, it's probably quite standard.

The bell on the door chimed with a ding-a-ling.

At the same time, the shop owner standing behind the counter—an older gentleman who looked like the master of the house—smiled.

"Oh my, hello, Mamiya."

"Hello, Master. Is the second floor open?"

"Ah, please take your usual seat. Take your time and enjoy."

The Master and Mamiya chatted familiarly. It seemed she was a regular, being called by name the moment she showed her face.

I nodded politely to the Master, whose eyes briefly widened when he saw me, and then followed Mamiya, who had already started heading up the stairs.

While the first floor was lined with normal table seating, the second floor had several private rooms prepared. Mamiya headed into one of them—the innermost room with the door open.

"Oh wow..."

Although I had been overwhelmed by the antique atmosphere since walking in, stepping into the private room made me feel as if I had stepped into another world.

Not just the tables and chairs, but the floor, the wallpaper, the various small ornaments—from corner to corner, the room was decorated in a unified interior style, creating an atmosphere that was high-class and stylish, yet still welcoming.

The table, the lighting, the lace curtains that let in sunlight while obscuring the outside view... you could feel the attention to detail in every corner.

"How is it? Nice atmosphere, right?"

"Yeah... how do I put it, it feels both unsettling and relaxing at the same time."

"Hehe, I think I understand what you're trying to say."

Looking at Mamiya's gentle, seemingly relaxed smile, I thought that once you get used to this place, it would probably become as comfortable as heaven.

Like forest bathing, for example. I've heard it has a relaxing effect, but when you're not yet accustomed to the forest, the sense of incongruity takes over, and you just feel a bit restless... something like that? I don't really get it myself, though.

"This place is run by an acquaintance of my father's."

"Ah, the shop owner from earlier?"

"Yeah. The entire atmosphere of the shop, and the fact that they went out of their way to prepare private rooms, it's all done based on the Master's personal principles."

"Hah—, I see..."

Although I was interested in a lot of things, it would be bad if I touched something and broke it... so, I sat down on a chair first. At the four-seater table, Mamiya sat across from me and opened the menu resting there.

"I'll have the house blend as usual."

"Then I'll have............ Ugh, it's so ex-pensive!"

I almost shouted out loud and hurriedly covered my mouth.

The cheapest item, the house blend she mentioned, cost more than yesterday's bowl of ramen! With this price, you could order a special ramen with tons of extra toppings, make it a large portion, and still get change back. And this is just a single cup of coffee...!?

(R-Running a cafe sure is tough business...)

"What's wrong? Ah, could it be you didn't bring any money? In that case, I can treat you today."

"N-No! It's fine!"

To be honest, it was rough. A four-figure yen cup of coffee is not something a normal high schooler's wallet can easily afford.

However, since scraping together the cash in my wallet meant I could pay for it, I couldn't just not pay.

"Then, I'll also have a house blend..."

Coffee is bitter, so I'm not really good with it. But in the end, this was the cheapest option.

Despite the retro appearance, ordering seemed to be done via a tablet. Well, I suppose it would be a hassle to keep coming up from the first floor to take orders or relay messages...

"You come here often, Mamiya."

"No, not that often. On a junior high student's allowance, this isn't the kind of place you can easily frequent. Probably about once a month, I'd say."

I think once a month is plenty.

On a high schooler's allowance, coming here even a few times a year seems rough... a four-figure yen coffee...

"Before exams, or when I want to concentrate on studying, I rent out this room. It's neither home nor school; it calms you down while keeping you on your toes... You can really focus here."

"Heh... actually, I might understand that a bit. You can't really get into studying if you're too tense or too relaxed."

"You should come here often too, Watanuki-kun."

"U-Um... I'll think about it."

A teasing smile. Crap, she figured out I was putting up a brave front...

As we talked, the coffee and accompanying scones were brought up shortly after.

They weren't carried on a tray, but wheeled in on a cart, like the room service you often see in movies. I felt my spine straighten involuntarily.

"Well then, let's begin the study session."

"O-Okay."

I was completely intimidated. The elegant atmosphere, the expensive coffee.

As for the dress code, a school uniform is considered formal wear for a high schooler, so it might be fine, but I still felt a bit out of place.

The reason wasn't just the shop... it was also Mamiya sitting right in front of me.

"Mmm..."

Taking a sip of coffee, she let out a soft sigh; she looked like elegance personified.

Of course she wouldn't be overwhelmed by the atmosphere like me. Instead, she mastered it, turning it into a buff that accentuated her own presence.

The sunlight streaming through the window, the aroma of coffee, the old-fashioned yet exquisite interior design.

Everything became a material to complement her, and I could only stare in foolish fascination.

"...What's wrong? Could it be you didn't bring your study materials?"

"Ah, no...! I brought them! Perfect timing too, we were given an English assignment that looks like a pain..."

Prompted by her, I hurriedly spread out my textbook and notebook.

Along with the tension came an inexplicable sense of shame. It felt like I was realizing my own inappropriateness, or rather, how completely unmatched I was for someone like Mamiya.

Even while facing my English assignment, a part of my consciousness was still directed towards Mamiya. Just as I was acutely aware of her presence, if she was looking at me, what would she think of me?

Would she be disappointed in me, or something like that.

"Watanuki-kun."

"! Y-Yes, what is it?"

She suddenly called my name, her brow furrowed as she pierced me with a sharp gaze.

Under that gaze that seemed to see right through everything, my entire body went stiff.

A brief silence flowed between us. What exactly did she want to say that made her call my name... just as I felt a slight bead of sweat form on my back.

"Could it be... you're bored?"

"Eh?"

My heart gave a jolt. While it was an unexpected phrase, in a sense, it was the one thing I wanted to hear even less than what I had imagined.

Did I just make a face that looked like that? I could feel the blood draining from my face.

I definitely didn't think it was boring or anything; I didn't think that at all.

But even so, it wasn't as if I was thinking about something I could honestly confess—

"I figured."

A deep sigh that sounded like she was giving up.

Just that single action made it almost hard for me to breathe.

This is a misunderstanding. If I made a face like that just now, it's not Mamiya's fault. The fault lies entirely with me—even though I have to clear up the misunderstanding, I can't seem to string my words together properly.

Mamiya isn't to blame. I am, because I'm a boring person—

"As I thought, a study session doesn't count as a date at all, does it...!?"

"...Eh?"

"I had a vague feeling it wouldn't! Who goes to a study session for a... gah! But I couldn't think of any other ideas!"

"Eh, um, Mamiya? What's wrong with you all of a sudden...?"

Faced with Mamiya, who suddenly shouted and covered her face with both hands, I could only be bewildered, simultaneously dropping the heavy thoughts I had been holding onto onto the floor.

"What do you mean you couldn't think of any other—what does that mean—"

"It was an excuse to invite you out! Since you introduced me to such an amazing ramen shop, I wanted to repay you with something too!? Even though I thought of this cafe, I couldn't find a good reason... I couldn't just bring you here for no reason...!!"

Mamiya stamped her feet on the floor, squirming in place.

Seeing this behavior, which was lightyears away from her usual elegance, I was momentarily stunned—

"...Pfft."

I couldn't help but laugh.

"Eh!? Y-You laughed!? You think I'm ridiculous, don't you!?"

"N-No, that's not it! It's just... I'm surprised by how much of a lack of planning you had."

"...I don't understand what you're saying at all."

"Ah, sorry! Well, to put it simply............ I think I'm just relieved."

"...? I'm sorry, I still don't understand at all."

"I guess not."

The reason I felt relieved was because I realized that the barrier of "elegance" I had perceived around her was nothing more than a fantasy born of my own wishful thinking.

Mamiya is an amazing person. That is definitely true... but I had always felt she was like a superhero.

She pulled me up when I was heartbroken from witnessing the cheating, helping me stand back up. She was even willing to dedicate her time to heal my wounds with a fake romance. When I racked my brain and could only come up with ramen as a date idea, she gladly accepted and even livened up the mood.

I always thought she was the one pulling me along—this guy who had nothing and had lost his way—leading me without hesitation...

But that wasn't the case.

She wasn't walking ahead of me—.

"I used to think you were like a superhuman who could perfectly accomplish anything, Mamiya."

"What's that supposed to mean, sarcasm? I've barely even been on a proper date before. When it comes to romantic experience, you're the one with more...!"

At my tactless words, Mamiya turned her face away as if sulking.

However, thanks to that, I could see through the gaps in her hair that her ears had turned bright red.

"You really didn't need an excuse. You could have just said, 'I know a shop that makes delicious coffee, let's go.'"

"Ugh... but, wouldn't that be boring?"

"It wouldn't be boring. Because you're here, Mamiya."

"Huh...?"

"Ah, no! I didn't mean that in a weird way!"

Even I was surprised at how naturally such a cheesy line slipped out!

My face instantly grew hot. While I wasn't lying, saying it like that felt like it would cause some weird misunderstanding...

"Um, what I mean is... I don't think dates are something you have to do out of a sense of obligation or something you have to try really hard at, you know? I think just being together is enough to call it a date."

"Is that so..."

"Though, this isn't exactly something I'm in a position to act high and mighty about."

Mamiya must have wanted to make this date meaningful.

She didn't just want to introduce me to the cafe; she wanted me to feel that the time we spent was valuable.

That's probably also because yesterday's ramen was such a huge event—a first in her life—for Mamiya.

Wanting to make the other person happy, and to do so, cramming in every idea possible... Yesterday's me must have been just as pale-faced from anxiety.

I couldn't see my own situation at all, but seeing it on someone else's face made it perfectly clear.

What a trivial, yet endearing worry... honestly.

"But you were definitely surprised back then, right? When you saw the prices on the menu. Inside, I was holding my head and thinking 'Oh no'."

"Eh, I thought you were just teasing me normally... because you were smiling back then."

"As if I could!? Well, I did force a smile somewhat..."

Seeing Mamiya-san's shoulders slump in dejection, I still couldn't help but find it funny.

Because I fully understood now that she was completely fumbling her way through this too.

"In the end, you really didn't have to push yourself so hard to invite me out."

"If I postponed it, I felt like this relationship itself would just naturally fade away."

"Well..."

I couldn't deny it.

To me, Mamiya-san was a comrade bearing the same scars, but even more so, she was someone I felt guilty towards—because I made her keep me company and listen to my complaining.

Taking up her time, relying entirely on her kindness... I didn't feel like I was helping her in any way at all.

So, if she let go, we would definitely just drift apart.

If she hadn't taken the initiative to invite me, I might have reached out because I didn't want the connection to break... No, I might have just ended up like earlier, getting depressed on my own, curling up, and worrying if I had disappointed her.

"I was invited, so I have to return the favor"—precisely because there's such a valid reason, we are able to maintain our connection.

If Mamiya felt similarly... after all, she was hurt too.

Bearing it alone is painful, and there's no one to talk to, yet you still need someone to rely on.

Mamiya to me, and me to Mamiya.

That seemingly fragile relationship, which I thought was just one-sided dependency, was actually a connection built because we both reached out.

"...It's fine."

As I thought this—my mouth spoke the words without hesitation.

"Eh?"

"Maybe, someday there will be a moment when it breaks. But, when this relationship truly ends... that will probably only be the moment when you hate me and explicitly declare we're cutting ties, Mamiya."

That ambiguous, natural-fading kind of end, backing down on my own thinking "Maybe I'm being a bother," using consideration as an excuse to run away.

Let's skip the kind of ending where I reach a conclusion all by myself.

The thread connecting us looks incredibly unreliable.

After all, both of us just had our much thicker bonds—lover and fiancé—severed.

Fellow losers, licking each other's wounds, a relationship strictly limited to the healing period.

Whichever one of us recovers first, the other would probably back out voluntarily. Because neither I nor Mamiya has thick enough skin to force things to continue.

If we did have skin that thick............ maybe there would have been no need to lick each other's wounds in the first place.

"You are necessary to me, Mamiya. So...I've decided, I won't leave on my own!!"

That's right, she is necessary.

An unrequited love held since I was old enough to understand. Losing it, falling into despair... and then the comrade I met after that. The one and only partner in the world.

A relationship I thought would never disappear crumbled so easily, in an instant.

Precisely because I know this, precisely because I already know it, I must use my own will to desperately protect this connection.

If I don't, this thread, which is far more delicate than the last one, definitely won't hold.

"...!"

Mamiya gasped, her eyes going wide and round.

Even the trembling of her pupils was clearly visible. Although I didn't know what she was feeling or thinking deep down in this moment... figuring that out could wait until after I protected my bond with her.

...Or something like that.

"Though saying it out loud is a bit embarrassing."

Feeling shy about my sudden outburst, I laughed it off.

Thinking back, reflecting on my social circles, I've almost never had the experience of building a friend-like relationship with a girl in my class like this.

Karen was always by my side, and Karen had quite a jealous personality... although now I don't even know if that jealousy was genuine.

So I always avoided interacting too much with the girls in my class. Aside from that, it was just family—ah, though I do have the experience of being treated like a toy by my older sister's friends.

Anyway, I don't know the proper way to interact and communicate with girls. I worry that if I just clumsily and unilaterally convey my feelings, she might find me creepy.

"...Hehe."

Until she smiled at me.

"If you had just said it more straightforwardly there, wouldn't it have been cooler?"

"Ugh, sorry..."

"But I'm happy. That you were able to say it properly."

Mamiya smiled, looking a bit shy.

"You see, I'm not very good at dealing with people. I have my hands full just with my own stuff, so I can't really understand other people's feelings... and I don't have any proper friends either. So, I was always anxious, not knowing what you thought of me, worried that saying things like 'contract' was just my own wishful thinking..."

I remembered her during lunch break.

Her solitary figure appeared aloof, making it seem like she didn't care about being alone at all... but now I felt that maybe she was just putting up a brave front.

Although she felt lonely, if she did something clumsy and ended up hurting the other person—it was precisely that kindness that made her choose isolation and stick with it.

Until she met me, her comrade.

"It's strange, isn't it. If it's you, I feel like I can believe. Maybe it's just that I want to believe... But, I want to try to believe. I want to make myself feel that trusting someone isn't giving up or stopping thinking, but rather, a matter of course."

"Yeah..."

"So, I promise you. I won't let go of your hand on my own either. Since you said you won't leave me... this contract is eternal, isn't it?"

Mamiya stood up, came over to me, and reached out her hand.

A slender, soft hand.

It had a beauty as if crafted from glass, a fragility that felt like it would snap if handled roughly even a little... and, it was trembling slightly.

I carefully took hold of this normal girl's hand, as gently as possible, so as not to break it.

Would it be weird to say thank you? Saying "please take care of me" felt too late now.

"I love you"... saying that in a fake romance relationship would just be a string of lies.

Words tossed and turned in my mind... and then, I found the one sentence I wanted to convey to her most honestly right now.

"I'll prove that you were right, Mamiya."

Taking a slightly weird detour, the distance between us closed just a little bit. That was the kind of after-school we had.

In the end, we didn't study much. We decided I'd take the somewhat troublesome Japanese-to-English translation assignment home to do, though she promised to help me out over a call around the time I'd be done taking a bath.

A cup of coffee cost four figures in yen—too expensive for a high schooler, but the reward was so immense that I even wanted to pay for hers too.

Completely unbothered by my lighter wallet, I said goodbye to Mamiya with a light, floating feeling—so, I completely didn't expect it.

"...Akkun?"

That parting scene had actually been seen by her.

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